Thursday, May 22, 2008

The Lurking Landlord

When I was apartment hunting, I spotted my current place and called the number to make an appointment. I went to check it out & meet the landlord after a tennis match (visual: hot little tennis outfit). I think that is the reason I got the place - honestly. I'm fine with that EXCEPT that my creepy landlord thought this gave him the window to BRING UP PLAYING TENNIS with me EVERY flippin' time I see him. (NO MO FO, I am NEVER going to play tennis with you so SHUT IT.)

Let me paint you a picture of him. He is creepy, he is at least 25 years my senior and he is creepy. Did I mention that he is creepy? At one point he was living in the main house (I live in a back house) and he would STOP BY a couple times a week. Why? There is NO need for him to STOP BY, especially after 9pm - which is the typical time that he does. The STOP BYs luckily ceased when he moved.

Well he's back. And I can't seem to shake him. I am extremely rude and uninviting when he STOPS BY. I freakin' hate it. 99% of the time I am in my jammies watching a movie or reading and it's my down time. I go to bed very early and don't want him stopping by. Ever.

Recently, my toilet decided to take up running. And even more recently, my walls decided to take up Bikram. There is water dripping out of my drywall. Yep, so I had to call the lurker. This gave him license for even more stop bys. Seriously, he stopped by 3 times to look at the problem. He has yet to fix it. I have towels soaking up the water from the walls and have to turn off the water at my toilet after every use. I feel like I live in the ghetto.

Here's a sample of the conversation we had last night at 9:30 pm.
Lurker: We really need to get you up to my Big Bear cabin.
Me: (silent with weird look on face)
Lurker: You can run up there. That will get you in shape.

ARGH. WTF?
#1. Who is this "we?" you speak of?
#2. I am in shape so shut the F up.
#3. There is no way in hell I would go anywhere with you, let alone a deserted cabin.

I wish I could move, but my rent is affordable (now I know why) and I live in a kick ass area.

47 comments:

My Life & Running said...

Eww. 9pm stop bys are totally unacceptable and you need to make that clear. Can you just not answer the door?

And partly because of your glowing face (and a gf prodding me from behind) I went and had my makeup done at Bare Escentuals. Amazing. I am such a convert now. Did you just get the starter kit or have you branched out to any of the other ones? Mmmm, love it.

MissAllycat said...

Eek! Creepy McStalker!

Judi said...

You need to tell him that he can't be stopping by anymore. Fuck that shit. That's why I bought a house, I hate landlords.

shelley said...

Seriously, get some protection that is freaking scary stuff, bad vibes just reading about the creep...and your walls? you could have mold problems if your walls are oozing water. Can you call a plumber and have the landlord pay for it?

RazZDoodle said...

Sounds like he's the "quiet neighbor that keeps to himself. You know, kind of a loner type."

Next thing you know you've got a ball gag in your mouth and you're in the trunk of his car headed up to his Big Bear cabin which, may or may not be a euphemism.

I'm just sayin'

Maddy said...

Eww, eww, eww.

There must be a polite, but stern way to tell him that he CANNOT stop by.

Nothing like feeling uncomforatble in your own house. Yuck.

Vanilla said...

Hey, you know what movie you should rent some night when it's dark and you're alone? Sliver, it's a terrible movie but it'll make you think...

AnthonyP said...

Yikes.

Laura said...

My sophomore year of college, I did a winter break internship with a supervisor who was in his 60s. On Valentine's Day, he sent me a card inviting me up to his cabin in the mountains to see how beautiful the sun was reflecting off the snow.

I TOTALLY SYMPATHIZE.

BeachRunner411 said...

As the Boy Wonder Robin would say: "Holy rude-creepy-obnoxious-stalker-guy, BATMAN!"

[And then Batman would reach into his utility belt and taze the creep].

Non-Runner Nancy said...

OMG, be careful. You need to cut this off nicely. We don't need him flipping out on you. If you are too nice he takes it as invitation, too rude and he might freak out. Now I'm worried about you. God do I sound like a mom.

Viper said...

Gross. In my state, it's unlawful for a landlord to stop by without 24 hours notice. Well, I guess they make pepper spray for a reason.

Amanda said...

ewwww...ewww... and totally stalkerish. I would be freaked out.

TNTcoach Ken said...

Come on, go to the cabin, I can see it now, tennis, running and Jason Vorhees!!! Run POM Run!

Nitmos said...

Um, yeah, that is a little Mr. Roperish. Except even more creepy. Invest in pepper spray.

Xenia said...

Holy hell! You be careful. Creepy can turn into trouble in two seconds flat. Make sure you tell friends about this. Keep your cell phone ready and a baseball bat by the door for his visits. Never know when they may come in handy.

Take care.

chia said...

My prior landlord was a real dick in similar capacity. Here was my approach...

1.) Informed my landlord, in writing (via a note on my apartment door), that due to religious purposes I require no interruptions from 8 p.m. to 8 a.m. every evening. Requested he respect my faith and apologized for any inconvenience. Impromptu pop-ins ceased at the threat of interrupting virgin sacrifices or ritual castrations.

2.) Every time he did stop in, I would proceed any conversation with "Oh, I'm sorry, I missed your phone call." After awhile he got the hint that I expected a courtesy call prior to his arrival.

3.) All invitations were responded to with a simple "I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong impression, but I'm involved and do not think that would be very appropriate." despite the fact I hadn't been laid since the Clinton administration. Or, my personal favourite... "I'll have to check with my parole officer (and/or therapist) before considering that."

Best of luck POM - many safe wishes!!!

Tammy said...

Wow, what a creep! He's probably harmless, but definitely let him know that you expect to be notified before he just 'pops in'.

And, be careful with this creep!

Jess said...

Is not answering the door possible. Pretend you're asleep...or answer the door while on the phone and tell him you're tied up.

eurydice said...

ew what a total sicko... the pervy thoughts are the worst. i had a landlord who wouldn't leave me alone but he was more the nagging-mother type, as opposed to creepy perv type.

and really there isn't much you can do...

Cheryl said...

Ditto what Viper said. 24 hours notice required. I think you should call a lawyer and see what the laws are in your state about landlords.

And you should look for a new place. He sounds way too creepy.

Viv said...

I think we have the creepo numbero UNO! This dude trumps John Mayer. Seriously, that is kind of freaky. Tell him you need a call or sumfin before he waltzes over looking for a tennis match..ugh!

Marcy said...

Just fart in front of him or leave a "present" in the toilet the next time he comes over. Most men find that absolutely unattractive LOL

Seriously though, be careful chica. Dude is creepy.

the Bag Lady said...

Now the Bag Lady is worried about you. Does he own the place, or is he just the manager? (I mean, can you go over his head and complain?)

Call a plumber and get the damned toilet fixed your own self - it can't be that expensive! And wouldn't it be worth it? As for the water running down the walls...I don't know, but I'd be worried about mold.

Do you have some kind of chain or something so he can't let himself in when you're at home, sleeping, or in the shower? (Scenes from "Psycho" running through my head...)
Sheesh, look for a new place. This is totally creeping me out!

Kelly O said...

ewwww my first landlord in Chicago was that way....and I swear I came home one day and he'd been in my place going through my lingerie drawers. GROSS. His thing was always offering me bootleg VHS tapes of movies, that I didn't even ask for.
what a freak!!

Stephanie said...

Yuck - I totally know how you feel about creepers. I had a guy (several years older than me) pull over to the side of the road where I was waiting for the bus, and offer to be my boyfriend. WFT!?!? Scary.

I agree with Chia & the Bag Lady - take Chia's approach (I love it!) and make sure you have a good lock!

Another idea...do you have any very large and mean-looking male friends? Perhaps one of them could be around your house one evening when he stops by, and politely tell your landlord that he doesn't appreciate it when he stops by unannounced. :)

(My creeper story:
http://sutefaniiwiruson.blogspot.com/2008/04/i-got-off-work-early-and-was-excited-to.html)

*aron* said...

ewwww gross he needs to GO AWAY!

J~Mom said...

Eeekkkk! I say close the blinds and don't open the door!!

Kiki said...

I agree with everyone else...get a taser, chain the door when you're home, and be very careful, creepy goes to crazy very quickly!!!

Anne said...

Next time he comes over, I'd suggest having a copy of the California Tenants Law in easy view.

Jess said...

I think, by law, landlords have to lurk and be creepy.

The 311 Boys Mom said...

LMAO!! not at you, but with you (that one day that you will laugh at Creepy old dude trying to SERIOUSLY hook up with you).

When I was 20, I moved into a new apt (with my then almost 2 yr old) just us & I worked nights in a bar (in every night after 3am, up 3 flights of stairs). I'd come home to my toilet seat up, sliding door open, but all locks locked.......i was sure my kids dad had found us & was just waiting to kill me one night.

turns out its my landlord. . . .(my mom set up a video camera)...you can imagine the DISGUSTING things he was doing ALL over my apt. Let your mind think the worst….

he got fired & I got new locks & 6 months free rent if I didn't sue....I took the free rent & a different apt in the complex (my dad did the locks), but he was still reported to the cops.

He as about 30ish, with a HOTT wife (seriously beautiful) & a 4 yr old. Hind sight, its funny, gross funny but I never got asked to go to a cabin……he never really talked to me, his wife did a lot though…..

The 311 Boys Mom said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Heather said...

Egads. I love Chia's approach and highly recommend it. I think you have to cut dickheads like this off at the knees. Make the boundaries very clear right up front.

Sagan Morrow said...

Creepy old men. I like Chia's approach too:)

Susan said...

ICK! Good luck.

shelley said...

Marcy is so damn funny! ROFLMAO at her comment!

Debbie said...

wow...he sounds very shady!!

SJ Goody said...

Holy moses. That is creeptastic. BE CAREFUL.

Sarah said...

Yikes. I have no other words.

The Laminator said...

Gosh, that sucks. Creepy people creeps me out too...which shouldn't because I'm a guy, but they do!

the gazelle said...

that is beyond creepy. bleh!

btw - I will be registering for the portland marathon soon! hopefully that will go better than my century bike ride. as in, I hope it's not 5000 degrees and I'd really like to finish.

Reluctant Runner said...

Your instincts are right on, POM. Set big, clear boundaries!

Danielle said...

Yikes, please post so that we know Creepy, Lurking Landlord doesn't have you held captive in his dungeon!?!
Kidding aside, I hope you had a nice Holiday weekend!

Sarah said...

OMG that it really gross. I don't know if I could handle a creepy landlord like that! Eew!

And sweating walls are gross too. Hopefully he fixes it soon.

And "Big Bear Cabin"??! That just makes me giggle.

ThickChick said...

All I can say is: ewwwwwwwwwwwww!!

sunshine said...

Yikes! Just reading the post gave me a skeezy feeling!